eighty-something-days-later...

and im back, all wordly and wise..
a new appreciation for expensive champagne..
and i've been bitten
by the travel bug...



I just want to be wandering along the Champs Elysees sipping Moet&Chandon and wearing Christian LaCroix.


-mao sut sut.

love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud or rude, it is not self seeking. it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes always preserves. love never fails.

stars in our eyes..

i was completely overwhelmed with excitment this week.
i havent paid attention to anything.
too many fun exciting things, to many presents, too much booze, the perfect amount of friends!
what am i supposed to wish for, when i have everything that i ever wanted?
I suppose now I just have to wish for consistancy.
and hangover-free sundays :)


-it's hard to be young and wise

heartless.

i swear, make her cry one more time and i will break you.
she isn't strong enough to realise what a jerk you are,
but believe me sunshine, it's crystal clear.

die.

today's lesson:

the advice i give is so much better than the actions i take.

sleep for the weak, insomnia for the emotionally unstable.

i dont know what this fear is of mine, to wake up 1000 times a night in absolute panic. for every dream to turn into a nightmare, and every sound in the dark, enough to make me break down. i used to be such a peaceful sleeper. now i can't even drift off to sleep, i have to read page after page, or watch stupid movies for hours until i eventually just black out. and when i wake, the anxiety kicks in, and i dont even feel at ease in my own room, my own house. im creating distractions all day, so that i don't make myself sick with worry and it scares me half to death. im even more scared, that this fear is you. im more scared to be with you, and to open up to you, than to be without you. i have this constant sick feeling in my stomach, like a knot, pulling tighter and tighter until it hurts. with so many things i should be looking forward to, why do i just want this year to be over? everything that was bad is good again, and that should make me happy..right? it's not that im unhappy, i am estatically happy, im just scared shitless. i started over for the hundredth time, and i know i am happy, i have everything to gain but something just isn't right, something is out of place and i cant put my finger on it...i can't shake this feeling that im holding on to something that is going to cause more pain than it's worth, and i still don't even know what that something is, or if im even holding onto it. falling for someone shouldn't feel like this, i think i'm way past falling now, i think i've crashed and burned. please make this go away, im sick, and im scared and im sleepy, please just help me, let me sleep.

january 15th

(336): i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self.

hmm

how many times do you have to think your in love, and not be.. to actually experience it.
i swear we have some mechanism, or even a personal joke going on between head and heart that gives off false alarms.. saying "yep..this is it, this is love. quick give it everything you've got, this is your only chance!" and then 5 seconds/days/weeks later "just kidding, go back to being confused and hopeless". its not helpful. i deffinately dont learn from it, if anything it just makes me less willing to actually commit to anything. i would appreciate it, if unless there is actual hope of feeling developing, and sticking.. that you shut the fuck up.

seriously, brain..heart..
get your shit together.

and today was a day just like any other...

wake up. work. stroll in umina. drink. drink. drink. drunk. swim. fall. crash. sick. sleep. dream. wake up. coffee. beach. home. sun. beach. umina. home. movies. nurofen. pm. sleep. wake. beach. sun. swim. earth. home.

i wish...

I am going to find a nice, sexy boyfriend just like him, and fall in love just like Juliet... without the dying. and Im going to dress up as an angel, and we will be together forever.

I'm so fucking delusional.

see im no king, i wear no crown

but desperate times, seem over now

but i still weaken somehow, it tears me apart

it tears me apart.

i hope to learn as time goes by,
that i should trust whats deep inside
burning bright, oh burning bright
my sensible heart
my sensible heart

marcus aurelius

when you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love...

to feel weightless, to feel invincible.

your only saviour will be yourself

~you have no idea how lucky i am to have you, in more than one way you saved me
~i love you for who you are, stop trying to be anyone else.
~im scared to have feelings for you
~we found eachother again after too long, too many times, let's stop fading away.
~such a short time, but we are so much fun and i can tell you things!
~soon you'll realise your too good for him
~please and thankyou, don't want to hear about it
~we will always have that something that keeps us close
~i envy you of your compassion, and your strength
~super cutie, funnest trips!
~at times you are intelligent beyond your years, and other times your as immature as i am, it works :)
~you'll find your groove soon sweetheart
~ive never had an unfun time with you!
~i know what i did, you know what i did, we lived, we learned, im glad we're okay
~buh-bye
~i wish you lived next door
~so glad i met you, your just one of those great people im happy to know
~please stop telling me how to live, i know you mean well but im doing fine
~"remember you'd come to my house, and you'd always end up kissing my brother" i miss you baby.. and your brother! hahaha
~your house was so fun, and our jokes were always sexual
~i always think of you at the randomest times


with all we have, we'll chain ourselves to what we know.

what choice have i...

i cannot be without you, but i will not destroy your soul.

mmm.

you need to stop running your mouth.